“Trainwreck” is One of the Worst Movies I Have Ever Seen

While I was planning on just including a brief review in my latest installment of Soze’s Movie ReviewsTrainwreck was so bad that I felt compelled write a full post breaking how terrible this movie is. And even after 1000 words, I barely scratch the surface.

In need of some comic relief to remove the imagery of a deathly morgue from my mind, I decided to check out Trainwreck, which came recommended to me and sported good reviews on Rotten Tomatoes. Ironically, after Trainwreck I needed to watch another movie to ease the mental damage of Amy Schumer’s cringe-worthy “comedy” from my brain. Through the first 15 minutes or so, we follow Amy Schumer’s narration of her sex-life through a series of drunken hook-ups like she’s some female master-seducer who lives by a rule of not letting any dudes stay the night (as if they’d want to). She brags about constantly cheating on her bodybuilder boyfriend, John Cena. You go girl. Cena’s questionably gay antics are about the only time I half smiled during this mess.

The movie started like a sprinter tripping out of the gate and face planting, but solidified itself as garbage when our uncharismatic protagonist wakes up in bed after another hook-up – somehow a suave, good looking, latin fellow sees her morning face (scarier than any horror movie I’ve recently seen), dotingly calls her “angel”, and says that he wanted to make her breakfast in the morning, and somehow she is annoyed and embarrassed? In real life, a guy like that wouldn’t even give her $5 for a McDonald’s breakfast sandwich – he’d immediately order her an Uber home (from her phone), take a shower, and never speak of it again. It’s ridiculous.

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Perhaps you could compare Amy Schumer to Apatow frequenter, Seth Rogen, as a sloppy antihero. But imagine in Knocked Up, instead of Rogen playing the stoned loser who’s overjoyed to finally get a bone, he was pulling chicks home every night and had Latina models fawning over him in the morning calling him Papi. Sounds stupid huh? Well it is. Seth Rogen can’t conceivably play a smooth player who gets laid like he’s Derek Jeter, and by the same rationale, neither can Schumer. I had to turn the movie off after this scene because the premise of Amy Schumer being a prize to good looking guys in New York City, the model capital of the world, was so unrealistic and dumb. However, I find Bill Hader hilarious and wanted to see if he could save the figurative train wreck, so I continued after regaining my sanity.

After another one night stand, Amy finds her way back to her journalist job following her walk of shame, where we are treated with one of many cringe-worthy scenes that try so hard to be funny, but fall shorter than Danny DeVito trying to dunk a basketball. Boob jokes! Masturbating jokes! Sports are dumb! HA HA. Clever, Amy.

The movie proceeds with as many “I’d fuck him!” and “look at me I’m a bumbling slut” jokes as they could possibly squeeze into the terrible dialogue. We meet some more characters who are all so cliche it seems like a parody – the proper soccer-mom married sister, the doughy loser sweater-wearing husband, and of course – the nice guy and super successful doctor, Bill Hader. The movie fails again as Hader, a rich successful doctor who gets attention from NBA cheerleaders, somehow falls for the crass and rude Amy. The guy could probably have his pick of dozens of hot little nurses, but he’s drawn to Amy’s character, who has zero likable qualities? Yeah… right…

What about the supporting cast? Well, Bill Hader plays a whimpy straight man handicapped by a terrible script, so his talents go to complete waste. But hey, he works with pro athletes, should be funny! LeBron James (and his hair piece) makes several cameos, and there is absolutely nothing important or funny about him in the movie other than simply BEING LeBron James. OMG, look, LeBron James in a movie, isn’t this HILARIOUS. Every inclusion of sports into the movie feels so forced and stale that they had no chance to incite laughter.

In fact, none of the jokes are funny. Amy Schumer giving a monologue about a guy’s dick? Meh. Every white guy in the movie is a cliche punchline of a boring, sports-loving chump? Oh. Amy Schumer gets stoned and assumes that talking about being stoned is funny? Errr. LeBron James giving advice through Kanye lyrics? Swing and a miss. Overweight married woman talking about getting tag teamed by her husbands friends? Um. Amy Schumer talking about fishing a condom out of her vagina because it was stuck to her cervix? Give me a fucking barf bag. In what world is that funny.

Then in typical Apatow fashion, the movie meanders into meaningless drama with horrible pacing that drags on longer than the last hour of a Friday work shift. It is neither provocatively funny (although it tries so, so hard) or feel good romance. At one point Hader expresses concerns that she has had sex with hundreds of dudes, yet somehow he completely forgets this fact later in the movie? He ignores every gigantic sign that this girl is obviously not relationship material? Substitute Schumer for a Margot Robbie and maybe it makes sense. But I’d really love to know, who actually thinks that Schumer deserves to be with this guy in the end? How does one even root for that sort of relationship? Shit, the night they break up in the movie (inevitable cliche for drama) she engages in a sexual encounter with a sixteen year old. Then it’s just laughed off?

She was a horrible girlfriend, his complete opposite, made fun of him for being boring, left to take a call in the middle of his big award ceremony, yet he apologizes and asks to go down on her? Seems more like Amy Schumer’s spiteful fantasy than a logical story. And they reunite by her luring Hader’s character into a basketball court for an elaborate romantic spectacle? You lack so much creativity that you have to rip off an Adam Sandler movie? Come on.

Between the sports jokes that fall flat (the LeBron intervention was among the worst scenes a movie full of them), a romance that is both unbelievable and unlikable, characters that are walking cliches, and such a cringe-worthy script, this was one of the worst movies I have seen in quite some time. Amy Schumer in Trainwreck is the equivalent a middle schooler who learned some swear words and cusses every other word to look cool. So edgy!

See, Apatow and others have succeeded in the rom-com story of lovable loser who screws up the relationship but wins the girl back, because the loser was at least lovable. You felt bad for Rogen’s well-meaning stoner character in Knocked Up. You rooted for Steve Carell’s sexless geek in the 40 Year Old Virgin. You were pulling for Michael Cera and Jonah Hill in Superbad because they were funny. They all had some charm. Amy Schumer’s uncharismatic, drunken, stoned, promiscuous, morally-devoid, cheating, rude, vulgar version of the rom-com loser, has none.

SCORE: 1/10

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