At Santanera in Canggu. Upscale modern sleek Spanish sexy. Its Monday. I’m sitting at a high top by myself. It’s been a long ten days. Just wanted a nice quiet night free from the torment of women and alcohol. 

I ordered the Chardonnay and called my mom giving her an update. Yes mom everything is great and lovely I’ve met so many cool people it’s very SAFE. That’s all she cares about, god bless her. 

Again, I’m not interested in women tonight. Not one bit. But I notice two girls sitting at a table at my nine o’clock and what the fuck. I stop listening to my mom. These two girls at dinner together. They might be the hottest women I’ve ever seen. I’m going to be sick. They look like aliens. They’re sitting across from each other at a two-person table. I’m about twenty feet away, positioned so my left side profile is visible and I can subtly observe through the corner of my eye. That’s my good side. Please think I’m handsome. One is looking at me. I look at her. We make eye contact. She looks away. Means nothing. Just being observant. 

Can’t get a read on ethnicity. French maybe. French women aren’t built like this. Possibly Armenian. I don’t know a single Armenian woman. Who knows. 

I take another sip of my Chardonnay and keep talking to my mom. Yes mom I’ll be there for Diane’s 80th in August. The food is amazing here. I’ve been working out a lot. Being very healthy (lifting in the morning and drinking every single night). I miss you guys too. 

The girl I made eye contact with stands up. Amazonian. 5’9 I’d guess. Incredible build. I pay her no noticeable attention. On some nonchalant shit. 

Seductive eyes. Light brown hair with blonde highlights folded into beach waves. Low rise jeans with a crop top. Wide hips. Skinny waist. An ass that would’ve started wars in a different era. Perfect posture. Dominating gait. A literal goddess. 

So she’s walking to the bathroom and I’m on the phone but hyper aware of her every move. As she’s walking past me I look at her. We make eye contact again and she’s doing that flirting thing with her eyes that girls do when they’re into you. Why must you torment me like this. I’m sensitive. 

She walks behind me to the bathroom. 

I talk to my mom for a few minutes and she returns to her seat. And again this girl makes eye contact with me. Holds it too. 

You know what the fuck you’re doing. Gaslighting me. And it’s insanely cruel. I am going to explode. What to do. Have to do something. Go up to their table and just say hi you’re hot. Hope you feel the same. Have you thought about having children with me. Yes? Okay, I will throw you over my shoulder, kick the hostess directly in the chest on the way out and drag you back to my villa throw you on the bed and impregnate you. No? Okay. 

What’s option B. 

The server asks me if I want another drink. Yeah. Of course I do. Not like I’m fucking leaving til this succubus does. Tell my mom to hold her thought, mute the conversation (my mom can’t hear me doing this) and tell the server I want to buy those two girls their next drinks. I gesture toward their table he says okay and walks away. I’ve never done this sort of thing before in my life. I imagine it’ll be like Javier bardem in Vicky Christina Barcelona and we’ll have a wild few days and a threesome. Which is what I deserve. Is that what happens? I’ve never even seen that stupid movie. 

I also imagine they’ll look at me and laugh. I deserve that too. 

They have their drink my picanha dinner comes I tell my mom I love her and hang up the phone and I eat and try to forget I did this. A sweeping wave of embarrassment comes over me. Idiot. Stupid stupid stupid. 

Ten or so minutes go by. They get up. They approach me. Smiling. Well hello. They say thank you and they mean it. The cost of your two drinks is maybe one minutes of work for me. They don’t need to know that. They’re both absurdly hot but also super sweet. If they could hear my inner monologue I’d be in jail. 

They talk me for a good while, between five and ten minutes, asking me questions with genuine interest so I know this wasn’t just a courtesy. I don’t wanna burn it out so I thought it was time to wrap it up and secure further contact. I say we should go for dinner and drinks one night. Eye contact girl says yes, enthusiastically smiling at me. I ask for her Instagram because that’s what everyone does here. She puts it in my phone and hits follow and we say goodbye and they walk away. 

When they’re clearly out the door I look at my phone. Fuck this. She’s a fitness influencer with over five hundred thousand followers. The dynamic is totally shifted. 

Unfollowed. I will not dm her. Not participating in this humiliation ritual. Go to hell. This is the worst day of my fucking life. Nobody cares about my plight.