Smoothie bowl for breakfast. Mango puree with strawberry kiwi banana and granola. Exceptional, delicious and refreshing.

Looked down at the bowl for a last spoonful and this nefarious fucking cashew was just sitting there acting all innocent. Jokes on you buddy I’m not afraid of you anymore.

I’ve had a tree nut allergy since childhood but it had been so long since I had any sort of legit reaction. I even stopped mentioning it at restaurants because it’s embarrassing as a man in his 30s to say “yessss I have a tree nut allergy hehe”. 

Went back to my villa and sat on this chair on top of the hill to get some sun. There’s a moment where your body knows before your brain catches up. Just a subtle shift. Like something underneath the surface had gone wrong.

Hmm. 

Grabbed a bottle of water, sat back down in the sun. One sip and something felt off. Swallowing felt laborious. It took conscious effort. I pulled in a deep breath and exhaled a soft, whistling wheeze. 

Ah. 

Fuck. 

Maybe it’ll pass. Maybe it’ll be an uncomfortable hour or so. Then again maybe it won’t. It had been only been ten minutes since ingestion. It’s going to get worse. 

I was staring at the manicured bougainvillea, the calm blue sky, the ocean in the distance. The calmest scene. And I thought. If I don’t do something right now, I may die right here. My villa is at least 200 steps from the main office. The resort is 20 minutes from a hospital. 

If I stay and this is complete anaphylaxis, I will die. Across the world. Alone. 

At least the view would be nice. A fitting end. 

No. 

This is really bad. 

I knew I had to do something immediately. I walked down to the main office. The Indonesian man at the desk greeted me with a smile. HELLO, MR JORDAN. He was grinning ear to ear. The Indonesians are all so fucking kind. 

ALLERGY, I said calmly but assertively. 

Allergy medicine. Please. 

EPI PEN. 

This guy was just looking at me sideways.

EPI – NEF – RIN. 

My voice was becoming froggy like Patrick mahomes. Dude please I am so fucked right now please god.  

Ohhhhhhh, he said with a giant wonderful smile. I’ll be right back! 

Okay. Cool. Keep your composure. Felt my pulse. I don’t know but it was fast and felt weak. 

Three agonizing fucking minutes I was pacing in circles and I felt my bronchi tightening and I started feeling light headed and weak. Being dizzy isnt good. 

He comes back with a cetrizine. God. Fuck. 

He was still smiling at me. 

Dude I don’t have the sniffles from fucking tree pollen I think I am going to DIE.  

This guy just wasn’t understanding. Just totally not getting it. It wasn’t his fault. Felt like a dark twisted version of a curb your enthusiasm bit. It would be funny if it weren’t so terrifying. 

I pulled up a map and pointed – Pharmacy?! Hospital??

He was still smiling and didn’t get it. I was thinking oh my god i am so fucked I am going to fucking die here. If I lose my airway I am dead. 

I started panicking. I grabbed his hand and squeezed it and stared at him and my eyes were screaming desperation and suddenly he got it. 

His smile faded and his eyes widened. He said wait here I’m getting my bike. Quickly pulled in front of the lobby and told me to hold on tight. 

This guy was flying up hills as I was clutching the seat of his moped trying not to fall off. I felt so weak and light headed and out of breath. We pulled into a pharmacy very close by. I stammered in – EPI. Please. EPI PEN. EPI PEN. EPI PEN. I gestured giving myself an injection in the the thigh. EPI PEN. 

No no no, we don’t have, she said. 

FUCK.

She brought me a benadryl and I put it in my mouth and took a sip of water and tried to swallow but I couldn’t swallow anymore.

Oh man this is really really bad. 

The hotel guy and her exchanged some words in their native language. This hotel guy, chouffering me around, just told me let’s go and put me on his bike again. We were weaving in and out of traffic and I had to hold onto him not to fall off and this situation was getting worse fast. I felt so fucking weak. Flying around the hills of uluwatu without a helmet on the back of some man’s moped, barely holding on, in search of urgent medical care. 

This can’t be happening. What if this place doesn’t have epi. This is progressing. I can’t swallow. My throat feels full. I’m wheezing. I can barely speak. What if I need intubated? Can this guy intubate? There’s no fucking way they can handle this. Can I intubate myself? I don’t know man. 

We reached the emergency facility and I got off the bike. Pushed through the doors. The lady at the desk told me to fill out a registration form. You can’t be fucking serious. I took a deep breath and exhaled performatively so she could hear my wheeze. 

I. Can’t. Breathe. 

My guardian angel started yelling in Indonesian and they took me behind a door. A doctor came to see me immediately. 

ANAPHYLAXIS. EPI PEN. 

Sir, we don’t have epi pen! We have epinephrine.

Dude please just mix a milligram with one hundred or fifty cc’s of saline and start giving it to me please.

They loaded me with monitors like I usually do to other people. Sat was 88%. BP 82/40. HR 127. 

Nurse is diluting the epi impressively slow reconfirming the dilution like five fucking times just give it to me and let me do it PLEASE. 

Finally. 

Lateral right thigh the doctor hit me with epi and Jesus don’t you guys have like a 25 gauge needle or something that thing was huge. 

Slowly I felt my lungs loosen up. My brain started coming back. I felt the panic ease. 

***

Well-maintained facilities, breathtaking views, and incredibly attentive staff. Wonderful stay. 

Five stars.