I try not to judge people, but first impressions are everything. And the foremost factor in first impressions is style. It’s simple – dress well, wear shit that fits properly, and people will give you the time of day.
Certain stylistically choices immediately catch the eye: a low-cut shirt hardly covering a pair of perky C-cups draws sexual attention and a girl dressed in a cozy autumn sweater makes you want to tackle and squeeze the life out of her (in an affectionate way, I’m not a psychopath).
Every year, certain fashion trends arise that make you scratch your head, wondering, “how the fuck did this get popular?”. Some are here to stay and some will be looked back upon with cringing regret in years to come.
Here are some of the worst fashion trends of the past decade.
Inverted Crosses – What better way to show the world you’re a try-hard melodramatic girl than throwing on some leggings with inverted crosses, right? And yes, this is another blight on humanity brought upon by the cesspool that is Tumblr.
I’m very pleased to see that this has died out, but around 2011-2013, it seemed like every tasteless suburban girl embraced this style to prove that they’re oh sooo ~edgy~.
The Nerd Look – I really don’t get it. I thought the point of dressing well was to look good. Instead, millions of our nations social media obsessed millennials think that wearing thick rimmed black glasses is a good look. But why? That will not get you laid, dude. Not many females are attracted to a guy who looks like he works in I.T. and solves calculus problems for fun. It’s a pseudo-intellectual approach to show girls that you’re “smart and sophisticated”. Good luck with that homie. I love reading Kurt Vonnegut and Henry Miller, but I sure as hell ain’t gonna bring that up in conversation with a girl.
Jordan’s – A few years ago, all my friends could talk about was picking up the latest release of retro Jordans. Gotta have them Concords! Now they’re all trying to sell them on Twitter. Wonder why… Maybe because they look pretty dumb on anyone who is A. Over the age of 21 B. Not an pro athlete C. Not a rapper.
White Converse – Actually, this isn’t bad style. I’m just pissed because I can’t wear my pair out anymore now that every college girl in the nation owns a pair of pristine white high-top converse. Damn them.
Jogger Pants – Again, I’m absolutely confounded as to how these became popular. They are simply ugly.
Acid Washed Jeans – They died out for a reason – they are ugly.
Gauges – Aka the ‘I aspire to work at Chipotle’ look.
“Swag” – All encompassing. You know the look – Jordan’s, retro crew necks, Chicago Bulls snapback, that “OBEY” brand shit, low-riding skinny skater jeans, Gucci belt, cheap gold accessories, vape pen in the pocket, overuse of the word “bruh”. In what world would anyone think this is a good look? No one wants your mixtape holmes.
Supreme – Ah, the ol’ “I’ll try to take up skating at 20 years old because rappers made it cool” look. Supreme’s aesthetic is tailored towards the same people who think taking a faded picture of graffiti on a rock in the woods is artsy. 2 Deep 4 U!
High waisted pants – Tricking the world into thinking fat chicks aren’t actually fat, but “curvy”. This evil tool of deception has gone too far. Curvy ≠ Fat. This treachery needs to be eradicated.
Ed Hardy & Affliction – Need I say more?
Black Lipstick – Girl, what are you doing? Sure, other females may compliment it and say, “wow that looks SO great on you”, but you know they’re lying right? Not many dudes are attracted to the whole gothic ice-princess look.
Beanies the Summer – Quite possibly the height of all faggotry. I have a theory that once you wear a beanie in the summer, your head overheats due to the unnecessary insulation, causing vital proteins in the brain to denature, rendering the wearer completely retarded. I see a Nobel Prize in my future.
Beanies with Stupid Sayings – You know, those black beanies with “DOPE” or “Ain’t No Wifey” embedded in white lettering. Trash. Well, at least they are advertising that they are a tasteless moron, leaving nothing to the imagination. Maybe this was a good thing.
Drug Rugs – We get it, you smoke weed and believe marijuana legalization will definitely lead to world peace.
Rompers – Have you ever been drunk and tried to undress a girl wearing a romper? Hella confusing.
The Skrillex Haircut – Haha.
One Piece Bathing Suits – Some girls definitely look hot in them, but most guys will agree that a more revealing bikini is much hotter. We wanna see that sexy belly. What are you hiding?
Camo Everything – How are you supposed to pull girls when they can’t see you? C’mon son.
Expensive Cheap Shit – Basic Tees for $120, a $500 sweatshirt, a pair of sweats for $230… You know what, I have to give it to whatever marketing genius had the brilliant idea to think, “yo, we can make everyday loungewear, sell it for their entire paycheck, and these morons will still buy it”. Why didn’t I think of that? Damn. The only people who would buy this shit are thoroughbred Kanye dick-riders and corny hypebeasts. Worst part is, they probably don’t even own a well-tailored suit.